Not Enough Soap.....To Cleanse My Karma

Don't you hate it when you're holding two things, and u throw away your life instead of throwing the gift wrap...


It all hit me when I found myself in Nigeria, the worst part of Africa 5 years later, doing time for getting to second base at movie theaters, the happy hours taken advantage of and all the weed smoked in Narnia instead of ummm whatever the nerds did with them books and pens and shit in school.


If you ever get the opportunity of moving to Nigeria I just have two things to say to you:
1) Don't.
2) Crawl up into a ball under the couch and die instead.

 When u choose to move to the 'Dark continent to make a livelihood,you KNOW for a fact that u've exhausted all other available options... Yes, including wearing headsets for fuck 'o clock in the morning shifts at Call Centers.

Though I must say, at that moment, Leaving India felt like a relief, moving away from noise, loud people, polluted air and being broke ass all the time... But what I didn't realize then was that I was also moving away from good looking women, great friends, amazing parties, corrupt cops and childhood AND moving into noise, loud people, polluted air and being broke ass all the time...

I was FORCED to grow up in Africa, with no one to bail my ass when I got into trouble, dried Papaya leaves sold as weed, bald women and every body trying to stifle you!


SO, being an expert at putting my foot in my mouth, the first few months trying to interact with fellow Indians in Africa was a nightmare... Piece of advice, its very awkward when u congratulate a woman on being pregnant when HE is just fat. It honestly ain't my fault though, this guy had boobs and everything... Apparently being fit and healthy isn't given too much importance by expats in this country. "U start your day with a beer and end it washing the hooker smell off you in the shower" was what a wise German once told me. Sounds fun doesn't it? Well, that's just half the story... He dint bother telling me that the beer was spiked with chloro quine  so u don't catch the Malaria bug that's in the air and practically EVERY "easy"(toupee wearing) women has an STD...

To top it all it wasn't easy joining an INDIAN company and learning how to be grammatically incorrect in every single sentence.  Now I have to live amongst indians who are the most arrogant, non cultured, loud, hindi speaking ass wipes who spend their evenings trying to barge into unlocked front doors and raid ur fridge for liquor or just lay down on the couch and watch TV saying "aree 55 inch TV badia hai yarr"  (this I just got while writing this last resort to killing boredom{thanks to Basically Blah})

Honestly, I might be exaggerating  a little,it all just might be karma kicking me in the balls for all the shit done, Its not a totally bad place, they still have trees and ..... Oh fuck it!!! This place is a hole!
I'm going to lock my self in my room now and hope this AK-47 I found lying outside my front lawn still works...

After this,  I'm pretty sure even my stalker (being the optimist jerk that I am and thinking I deserve to have one) would say to herself, 'all right, THIS is where I draw the line'.