Not Enough Soap...To Rinse My Filthy Mouth

Ever looked at someone and think to yourself that the wheel was turning but the hamster was dead and its lifeless little body is just being tossed around?

That pretty much nails the look on the faces of people who see me everyday...

 I was 3 months in this continent when I first saw that look handed to me by my house help when I told her to 'chop' me some onions. I wondered why, at that moment, that she gave me the "look" and also wondered why I had to repeat the same thing thrice with the volume of my voice only going higher. Though in a few moments I would know, "chop" meant "eat" and you would understand the "holy titties" look on my face when I saw her try and stuff the onion into her mouth...

Since then, me being someone who loves the taste of my foot, have been making Nigerians do stupid shit on account of my "lack of local lingo knowledge"... And I admit, I do get a laugh or two out from it. Here are a few words that you might want to scream out in crowded places when you're in Nigeria if you are as fucked up in the head as I am and think that's just hilarious.

First, clearly is "Nyash" meaning buttocks, booty. So if you're doing the baby got back Nigerian version, it would go something like this: "em got round nyash I no go lie, me otha broda no deny, when em girl dey walka with small small waist,in they put em round thin in ya face"..

Then is my personal favorite "Toto",(pronounced aw toe) you know how people scream "AUTO" in India, yeah that pretty much means "VAGINA" in Nigeria.

And when you want to curse someone like me yelling out these wonderful words on the street, then you show the palm of your hand and say "shege" (pronounced SHAG-E) which pretty much means rot in hell.

If you're the 50 year old kinds that I mention in my 'not enough soap to launder my scarred adulthood' then you might want to know that "Ashawo" is Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, only not pretty but bald with a toupee, definitely a way bigger nyash and if you're the lucky kinds then one of the STD's.

Though there is one phrase that's used here like it is around the world which I don't get. I personally think it's stupid to call them "family jewels" if I can't wear them like a tiara on special occasions.

 Know these few words and add 'O' at the end of the sentence and you're golden-O.

Though I've had my rough times here in Nigeria, as you have understood in my previous posts, I think I've grown a liking towards the person I am when I'm in this country. I still hate the place though, don't get me wrong, but like I said, I like who I become when I'm here. As a wise person once made a mention of me oh so kindly, and I quote- "I feel bad for Nigeria".

Just like the anonymous fan who read my first clinically deranged writeup and still came back for the second, I too wouldn't write off Nigeria and would definitely come back for more, although for me sometimes to do something that stupid, it takes a week of 'quality' time in India to make me really appreciate coming back to this place.

On that note, I'm now left thinking that based upon the influx of new 'anonymous' followers, my sex video must have finally found it's way to YouTube...

Not Enough Soap... To Launder My Scarred Adulthood

You know that little voice we all have that keeps us from doing dumb shit? Well, mine spoke French... I had no clue what she said, but I probably tried to boink her when I hit puberty, I ain't too sure, but I think that's when she took off...

  Since then I've always said and done stupid shit and somehow (as the few unfortunate soul's who read not enough soap to cleanse my karma probably know) I found my self among the millions of low profile "kony's" of the dark land in west Africa reduced to living among migrated (or stripped naked and chased out of the country while being flogged with potatoes) grown Indian men who talk about "pakoras" in a house full of 50 year olds at a 7 year old's birthday party... And of course, I was there too...

  My question to the hosts when they barged into my house an HOUR before the "pardy" in pretext of inviting me to this emotionally scaring event was "what would I do there? Do u want me to dress up as a clown or do I already look strange enough to u people" (considering a jerk like me is normal midst u bunch of weird looking fucks) and the reply, of course was "kya?" "Humara bache ka pardy hai, saath bhaje" to which I could only shrug and nod in disappointment...

  Now, I was standing in a house that sounded like a local bar, wondering why this little dude (who I swear to Lucifer made me want to chop off my genitalia so I never create one of them)'s birthday party, have a picture of his framed and decorative lights all around it which only made someone like me, with an active imagination, think to myself "phew one down, a billion more to go".

  Walking around trying to amuse myself, I get to the make shift bar where they served an unlimited supply of cheap and probably expired liquor and hence had drunk aged balding fat men who all probably have pygophilia or boobophillia and were not ashamed to talk about it, crowding the cheap liquor stash....

 I then realized among the 40 odd people who came there I knew 2, the father of the little bugger growing a year older and the doorway that brought this creature to life or who I later referred to as the "big woman dressed in what I could only imagine was a bastardized shiny version of the Indian flag" out loud after a few beers, surrounded by people I just met...

   Yeah, I wished the french bitch didn't leave me too, she probably would have told me to shut the fuck up, I wouldn't understand her though but she would have probably kept my mind busy with her provocative dressing...

  Lesson learned, the next time I get invited to these pitiful, lame excuse to drink free cheap liquor, all in the name of a 7 year old , I'd find my self an alligator pit and jump crotch first into the alligators mouth... Not that I'm into that kinda thing sexually...

 People seriously need to start inviting 7 year olds to a 7 year old's birthday, and leave me till when they decide to do something productive, like go to Hooters and have me order "two big jugs of anything" and giggle to myself...

   On that note, this writing a blog thing is great for my sex life.. It helps me forget that I don't have one... Or like a basically blah annoying friend of mine says "u have a wilting tulip!"